Happiness for us!

Few years ago when I was traveling to Scotland by train in England, I found myself get lost in deep thoughts and wonder what I really want from life! I kept thinking if I was really happy, if this guy who held my hand like he never wanted to leave was really what I wished for. I touched the diary that I held close to me and started to go through the pages that seemed long forgotten. Sometimes when we pen down our thoughts we never go back to visit them even when they look at us with eager eyes! I seemed to be particularly hooked on to something I wrote about finding happiness and as I touched the pages of the diary I felt a familiar fragrant joy that I did not feel for a while.

" Happiness for me is getting lost in the woods and not wishing to find the main road because I found myself

Happiness for me is reaching out for that part within which lies in the corner in a rusty box with enormous dreams and hopes carved with words in the wake of finding yourself.

Happiness is meeting the lost self"

Today as I travel to find some shadows of myself through the lost roads, over joyous people, secretive explorers, mystic artifacts and thoughtful nights that I never want to let go, I see happiness smile back at me through my eyes!

A page from my diary!

You know few years from this moment, I burned down every thread attached to me, every memory, every thought and reckless dreams that brought me close to your existence. You let me go without even looking back. I waited for that one moment where you would look back and all my broken pieces would miraculously mend. I waited in that hope, dreamed and failed, bled and wiped your dark passion running through this fragile body.

 Sometimes I think if we could look back and hold that night so close that the stars would shatter! Then I would not have to think about you every single night from the day you left. I would not have to weep and watch my soul naked, scarred and trembling over your ruthless piercing eyes that never looked back.

 You said this was not the right time....Well there could never be a right time!

We look back!

Some journeys we take in life remain with us forever! They are like the wish jars that we keep close to our hearts and never let go. I have always written these tiny notes to myself and protected them in a wish jar from the fierce eyes of the world, I took these jars always with me everywhere I wanted to belong and the cities sometimes made me feel secure. I was in love last Summer and went for my first holiday with him in Bournemouth. The city made me feel comfortable and awkward at the same time as I was struggling to come to terms with this special holiday that perhaps meant something for our 'togetherness'. I walked with him in the sandy beaches and struggled with the strong winds that made my hair messy and my thoughts cluttered with something he said! I kept thinking to myself if I was really sure about the way I felt when I saw him enter my class.

  My mind wandered back to the first day of my Masters class in England when I decided to ditch my jacket after a hot water bath and entered the class feeling cold after few minutes. I looked around in the class and saw a pretty Caucasian girl with sharp features and bright personality that caught my eyes. She was with the red haired fierce girl who had a striking piercing on her lip that caught my attention. I walked towards the coffee and cookie table where few students were busy chatting away. I stood there and held the piping cup of coffee and changed my mind to tea within a minute, I reached for the cookie and as I was about to bite into it, somebody entered the class. I saw the light brown eyed coy boy enter the room wearing an awkward smile with an intoxicating yet so flawed look. The generous layers of clothes that he wore seemed to convincingly hide his damaged soul. I reminded myself that I have been creepily staring at him for a while when I saw him approaching me, as his lips moved to introduce himself I couldn't hear anything, yet his name screamed aloud in every corner of my mind! I saw myself running away from this guy but inviting myself through my eyes to his never ending stories about traveling and cities. I never realised how we got together even before the official lectures started in the University. He held my hand and told our inquisitive friends that we are officially dating while I stopped myself from thinking it was all too fast or just a rebound.

  The generous tap on my shoulders for another serving of ice cream at the cafe near the beach in Bournemouth broke my flash back zone and I was again with him, wanting to go back to our hotel room where we decided to skip city tour and have 'wine and movie time'. I was half way through the movie and I saw him sleep so peacefully that I knew I wanted to be with him. I wanted to be with this damaged person not to heal but to live with him, to make him write tiny notes and protect these picturesque dreams in my wish jar. I saw myself want to live his dreams and make his journey worthwhile as I drench myself in his love! The city of Bournemouth gave me my moment that I penned down in my diary and framed it with a letter I wrote for him. Some journeys are indeed special when we look back because they give us our first moment of selfless love!